An aMAIZEing tale
by todd fan
Summary: COMPLETE! This little beauty is a twisted mixture of a real experience and the result of not being to get to the internet. It is odd, i warn you.


An aMAIZEing tale.  
  
By Todd Fan  
  
Disclaimer: "We evaporate! We're vapor! We're dust! We cease to exist! Dost thou comprehend?"  
  
***  
  
Heloo my dear readers, i have returned early. Yes i am back from the holiday from hell, mwhaoahahhaha!. You should see the first chapter of my Teacher Training tie-in fic sometime tomorrow, hopefully. But first, onto this fic. I am afraid to say that most of the events that happen in this fic happened to me and my family on holiday. Yup, i will never forgive whoever's stupid idea it was to try out a Maize Maze. But it certainally gave my muse one huge kickstart. I wrote this while on holiday, and as i type it up, i see how..odd i get when i am deprived of the internet..it 'aint pretty people.  
  
*****  
  
Logan glared at the object in front of him. He couldn't believe he had been duped by Xavier..again.  
  
"Why do i have to go?".  
  
Xavier gave a small sigh.  
  
"They need a responsible adult with them", he explained.  
  
"They have Storm and Forge!!!"  
  
Xavier left a long silence, waiting for Logan to think reeeaaally carefully about this statement.  
  
"Can't Hank go?", asked Logan weakly, "or Warren, he's here too!!".  
  
"Hank and Warren are here to get people out", said Xavier patiently, "think of this as a test to your tracking skills...without using your powers, naturally".  
  
"You're gonna die for this, Chuck", said Logan darkly, before storming off to lean on a tree.  
  
The rest of the X-Men, plus, Alex, Forge and Warren were scattered around the entrance to a large cornfield.  
  
"What is this again?", asked Amara, tilting her head to the side.  
  
"A Maize Maze", said Sam proudly, "the biggest one in the contry. Nothing beats a Guthrie grown Maizefield".  
  
Amara nodded, taking a deep breath.  
  
"Ok....and a Maize Maze is.......".  
  
"A maze made out of maize", said Sam with a defeated sigh.  
  
"Oh", said Amara, "and we are going in there...why?".  
  
"Mrs Guthrie has kindly donated her Maize Maze for us to have a test of endurance, teamwork and tracking", said Xavier, wheeling over, "powers are strictly prohibited. Obviously, Sam cannot come in with you, as he knows the way around and...."  
  
"Whoah, whoah WHOAH!", said Alex, "you're dumping us in a field?".  
  
"Oh, not ALONE", said Xavier with a chuckle, "Storm, Forge and Logan will look after you".  
  
Alex glanced over at the adults in question. Logan was cutting up a tree branch with his claws, Storm was making tiny little thunder-coulds everywhere and Hank and Warren were trying to pry Forge out of the X-Van while he pleaded for mercy.  
  
"We're all gonna die", said Alex.  
  
"Don't be so negative", said Scott, cheerfully flinging an arm around Alex's shoulders, "i'll watch out for you".  
  
"....Now i KNOW we're gonna die", said Alex.  
  
"Thank you for your undying faith in me, my dearest younger sibling", said Scott sarcastically.  
  
With that, the group were ushered to the entrance of the field. A bespectacled red-headed 10 year old boy was sitting on a lawn chair by the gate, petting a chicken that was on his knee.  
  
"This is ma'h little brother, Jeb", said Sam, "he'll be the first post. If you get lost, shout and he'll get help".  
  
""Yes, yes, we'll get help", said Jeb with a manical grin, petting the chicken some more, "won't we, Steve".  
  
"Pwokwok", replied the chicken.  
  
"Wow", said Tabby, blinking, "i think we just found the evil Guthrie".  
  
"Jeb isn't evil", said Sam, "he's just....different".  
  
"He's a red-head in a family of blondes", stated Bobby, "what does that tell you?".  
  
"We have brunettes too!", defeneded Sam, "Jeb is not evil....a'h hope Creepy Simon finds you".  
  
With that, Sam gave an offended 'harump' and closed the gate, leaving the group to their fate.  
  
"Wow...i think we just got Sam mad", said Ray in wonder.  
  
"Who's Creepy Simon?", asked Kitty with a nervous chuckle, "he doesn't sound like a fun guy".  
  
"Let's just get this over with so we can go home, please?", said Jean.  
  
All eyes turned to the adults, waiting for someone to lead them out of this nightmare. Logan blinked as Forge and Storm each took a quick step backwards, leaving him in front.  
  
"Traitors", he muttered, "FINE! Leave it to Logan, all the time...always have to do the monkey work".  
  
He started off down one of the paths, muttering to himself, everyone else silently following after him.  
  
******  
  
He wasn't lost. He COULDN'T be lost. He was NEVER lost. Logan paused, the single line of mutants behind him coming to a dead stop.  
  
"We're lost..aren't we?".  
  
Kitty had asked the WRONG question.  
  
"I am not lost", said Logan, crossing his arms, "i just need to get my bearings".  
  
"And they found their bodies the very next day", sang Kurt before getting a glare from Rogue.  
  
"Not helpin' Kurt", she said.  
  
"Sorry", said Kurt with a sheepish grin, "just trying to lighten up the fact that ve are lost".  
  
"I. Am. Not. Lost", repeated Logan.  
  
"You know what we should do?", said Roberto, plucking off a piece of Maize, "we should lay a trail of this stuff so we know where we've been".  
  
"Good thinking, Hanzel", said Alex sarcastically, "maybe we'll find a gingerbread house while we're at it".  
  
"Well, i thought it could make us...un-lost", said Roberto, "it was only a suggestion".  
  
"I am NOT lost", said Logan for the third time.  
  
"Hey, have you guys ever seen that movie 'Signs'?", piped up Jamie, "when the deadly aliens chase that family through a cornfield, picking them off one by...what?".  
  
"Can we leave him here?", asked Bobby, jutting a thumb at Jamie.  
  
"You don't want to stay here all night".  
  
The group turned to see a farmer standing in the field. Where he had come from, they couldn't tell, but he didn't LOOK like he was a Guthrie..that was for sure. Besides, Sam had said he was the oldest Guthrie male that was neither dead nor in prison..so who the heck was this guy? The farmer gave them a toothless grin.  
  
"You people look lost", he said, "ah'm sure if you shout loud enough, they'll come and get you".  
  
He giggled to himself as if this was a personal joke.  
  
"Excuse me", said Storm, charging to the head of the group, "who are you?".  
  
"Ah'm from the neighbouring farm", said the farmer, "you want to know the secret for gettin' outta this maze? Look for the tree, that'll lead you right to the exit".  
  
With another manical laugh, he stumbled along the field, disapearing as fast as he had appeared.  
  
"What tree?", said Scott, glancing around, "i see no tree!!!!".  
  
"Did he seem...drunk to you guys?", asked Rogue.  
  
"He stank of ale and had a BIG grin on his face...i think it's safe to say he was just being jolly", said Forge, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  
  
"Wow, Forge", said Bobby, "you're really ratty out here. You're not a 'nature person' are you?".  
  
Forge gave Bobby a glare that would have stopped a lava flow.  
  
"BACK OFF!".  
  
"I think that answers your question", said Kurt quietly.  
  
"I still can't see a tree!!!", said Scott, panic rising in his voice, "do you guys see a tree?".  
  
"I see maize", said Ray, "lots and lots of maize".  
  
"Lets try this way", said Logan, heading off in a random direction, dragging the others behind him.  
  
****  
  
It must have been at least an hour before anyone started talking again. Not shockingly, it was Kurt who broke the silence.  
  
"I saw a sign for Joe the butcher only a few miles from the farm", he said.  
  
No one really knew what to make of this imformation.  
  
"And your point is?.....", prompted Alex.  
  
"Eet's a conspiracy", said Kurt with a knowing nod, "all the victims that don't get out of here go to Joe the Butcher. Ve could be the specials on tomorrow's meat counter".  
  
"That WOULD explain where the Guthrie's get the money back from the damage visitors do to their crops", agreed Bobby, "i mean, no one would notice a few people going missing, would they?".  
  
"First Jamie and his aliens, and now THIS", growled Logan, "Chuck has really gotta start paying me".  
  
"Wait a minute", said Tabby, pausing to look around, "where IS Jamie?".  
  
Sure enough, he was no where in the group. Before anything could be done about this, however, they began to hear pitifull cries for help.  
  
"Lets go help like good little X-Men", said Logan with a sigh.  
  
"I'm not an X-Man", said Alex, "can i stay here?".  
  
"Ditto", said Forge  
  
"No", said Logan, "consider yourselves honourary X-Men for today. Whoopy doo fer you".  
  
With that, he charged off, the others following behind, sure they were heading to their own deaths.  
  
****  
  
Meanwhile, in the middle of the cornfield, Jamie was sitting on a rock, staring at the dirt.  
  
"Jerks", he muttered to himself, "they ALWAYS leave me behind. Just because i'm the youngest, it's not fair!".  
  
The maize suddenly started to rustle, causing Jamie to sit bolt upright.  
  
"W..who's there?", he asked with much more bravado than he actually felt, "i'm warning you, i'm a one..err kid army!".  
  
The rustling stopped and Jamie breathed a sigh of relief. THAT showed it. No spleen-sucking alien was gonna get him, hah! Jamie the Brave, yup. No longer just Multiple, but Multiple MAN! YEAH!. It was then that something tackled him to the ground, making him scream like a six year old girl.  
  
"DON'T EAT MY SPLEEN!!!".  
  
Jamie opened a single eye when his statement was followed by giggling. He found himself face to face with a girl not much younger than himself. Jamie opened his other eye and blinked at her.  
  
"......You're not an alien".  
  
The girl giggled again.  
  
"No, ah'm Elizabeth", she said.  
  
Jamie eyed her curiously. Long, bonde hair, green eyes, Southern accent...tall.  
  
"You're a Guthrie...aren't you?".  
  
"No duh", replied Lizzie, standing up and rolling her eyes, "a'h saw your friends ditch you an' thought a'hd come help you out".  
  
Jamie stood up and crossed his arms.  
  
"I don't need help from a girl", he said with an indignat snort, causing Lizzie to frown.  
  
"Well, fine then", she said, "ah'll take the route only Guthrie's know and leave you here for Creepy Simon to find".  
  
With that, she spun around and started off through the maize. Jamie paused, considering his options.  
  
"Hey, wait up!", he shouted, running after her.  
  
******  
  
Meanwhile, the other group had descovered what had been making the pitifull cries for help. It was none other than the Brotherhood. Apparently, Magneto and Xavier had the same wonderfull idea of giving their followers the same exercise. Todd was standing on Freddy's shoulders, he wasn't TECHNICALLY using his powers, so this didn't count as cheating....did it? Pietro was sighing heavily and often, tapping his foot while both Wanda and Lance looked ready to pitch a double hissy fit. They looked up at the other group like they were the saviours of the world.  
  
"You've come to get us out, right?", asked Wanda, skipping up to them, a rather..disturbing sight, "please say you've come to get us out".  
  
Not a soul wanted to be the one to tell Wanda the truth. No one wanted to be injured servely. It was a silent group decision to push Kurt forward. Maybe his elfish fuzziness would save his hide.  
  
"Errr...nein", he said, his tail twitching nervously, "ve're as lost as you are".  
  
Wanda digested this imformation, thought about it, made a strangled scream and promptly threw a hex-bolt at her brother.  
  
"'Lets do this for father' he says", she hissed, "you IDIOT!".  
  
"Owww", replied Pietro from the floor.  
  
"How long have you guys been here?", asked Tabby.  
  
"I can't remember", said Lance, his eye twitching, "we were here for hours shouting....shouting. He never came. He said he would, but he never did. HE NEVER DID!!".  
  
"Well, that's just great", snapped Rogue, "now we get to die, EN MASSE!".  
  
"We're NOT gonna die", said Logan with a growl, "because i am NOT lost".  
  
Pietro stood up with a groan.  
  
"Ok, forget the no powers rule!", he said, "i'll find a way out!".  
  
With that, Pietro zipped off. Five seconds later, he appeared next to them again with a defeated sigh.  
  
"Awww....crap".  
  
"We really are gonna die here...aren't we?", asked Roberto in a small voice.  
  
"Most probably", said Todd with a nod, then smiled at Wanda, "unless you want me to hop you through the feilds, my Crimson Cutie".  
  
"I'd rather die first", said Wanda.  
  
Logan gave another growl, silencing everyone.  
  
"Ok, we'll split up", he said, "i'll take one group, Forge'll take another and Storm'll take the third. ONE of us will find the exit".  
  
"Or we'll just be easier for the slasher to pick off", muttered Pietro under his breath.  
  
"Shut up, you!", said Logan, pointing a finger at him, "right, Forge, Storm.....guys?...Oh Hell, where'd they go?".  
  
"The aliens got them", said Ray.  
  
"No, it was the slasher", said Pietro.  
  
"No, it vas Joe the Butcher!!!", said Kurt, "ve should have a moment of silence for our fallen comerades. May they have gone to a far better place".  
  
It was then that both mutants in question fell out of a patch of maize. Both were covered in grass, dirt and maize.  
  
"And where have you two been?", asked Logan, crossing his arms and tapping his foot on the floor, "and you had better PRAY it's a good explaination".  
  
"Nowhere", they said in unison, Storm quickly pulling a strand of grass out of her hair and hiding it behind her back.  
  
"The aliens abducted them, i bet you!", said Amara with a nod.  
  
"Aliens....", said Storm, "yes....right....aliens".  
  
"Big....nasty, evil aliens", said Forge, nodding quickly.  
  
"Yeah...right", growled Logan, shaking his head, "responsible adults? You're worse than the teenagers!".  
  
"Yes Logan, sorry Logan", said Forge.  
  
"It will not happen again, Logan", said Storm.  
  
"Damn right it won't!", said Logan, "come on, we're splitting up".  
  
His fellow 'adults' looked at him as if he had gone off his rocker.  
  
"You NEVER split up", said Forge, "haven't you ever seen horror movies, man? As soon as the group splits up they get picked off, one by one".  
  
"Told you so!", said Pietro triumpantly.  
  
"Oh, but it's okay to go off for a roll in the cornfield", said Logan, looking pointedly at Forge and Storm.  
  
"Hey, we did NOT do anything!!!", said Storm, "besides...Scott and Jean ran off about five minutes ago....".  
  
"Logan glanced around, Scott and Jean had indeed disapeared.  
  
"And they say i set a bad example", he muttered.  
  
******  
  
A few minutes later, Jean and Scott had been descovered and dragged back into the group. If their story was anything to go by, Jean had lost a contact lens in the maize and Scott was 'helping her find it'. The fatal flaw in their story, delightfully pointed out by Rogue, was the fact that Jean didn't wear contacts. After a flustered explaination that they definately weren't doing anything unsavory, both Scott and Jean turned down Logan's idea to split up. Muttering to himself all the way, Logan eventually started to lead the X-Men, Brotherhood and..errr..miscalanious along the trail again. A mixture of Pietro's whining, Kitty's singing and Bobby's 'ice games' caused him to stop dead, popping out his claws, an action which made everyone stop dead.  
  
"Stay here", he growled, "i'll find a shortcut".  
  
With that, he began to hack and slash his way though the undergrowth, his short form vanishing from sight.  
  
"Ve're gonne be stuck here forever!"m said Kurt with an unhappy sigh, "ve're gonna STARVE to death!!".  
  
"No worries", said Wanda with a nochalant shrug, "we can eat Blob".  
  
"HEY!", said Freddy, wide-eyed, "you people ALWAYS want to eat the fat guys first!".  
  
"Dont' worry, Fred", said Kitty, "i won't eat you, i'm a vegitarian".  
  
"Oh gee.....thanks", said Freddy dryly.  
  
"Well, i wont starve", said Todd, "look at all the bugs, i'll share them with you, Poopsie".  
  
"I know, lets eat Toad instead", said Wanda.  
  
"But....there's more meat on Fred!", said Todd, "i'm all skin and bone!".  
  
"Thank you, my best friend", muttered Freddy.  
  
"We couldn't eat him anyway", piped up Roberto, "we'd never cut through his invunerable skin".  
  
"Good point", said Lance with a nod.  
  
"I can't believe we're still having this conversation", said Freddy.  
  
"Will you all quit it?!", said Jean, "no one is eating Fred".  
  
Everyone, Fred more so, were suprised by this sudden comment.  
  
"We'd obviously eat Bobby first", she added.  
  
"Why me?!!!", asked Bobby, mortified.  
  
"The most anyoying person dies first", said Rogue matter-of-factly.  
  
"Then why don't we eat Tabby?", asked Bobby.  
  
"I'd like to see you try, Frosty!", said Tabby, forming a boom-ball in her hands.  
  
"Hey, guys", came Amara's voice, "we don't need to eat any of the group, i found food!".  
  
"We can't eat the maize, Amara", said Scott, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "it's not ready yet".  
  
"No, she's right!", said Alex, pointing ahead happily, "real food!".  
  
On the trail ahead, happily muching on a maize stalk was a tiny grey rabbit, which looked like the spitting image of Thumper.  
  
"Okay", said Scott, "Jean, you hold it in place with your TK and i'll hit it with my eye blasts".  
  
"We don't want BITS of it!", said Rogue, "can't we just..hit it with a rock or something?".  
  
"One rock, coming up", said Lance, rolling his eyes, only to be stopped by Kitty thwaking him upside the head.  
  
"We can't eat that cute little baby bunny rabbit!", she scolded.  
  
Forge glanced up from the back of the group.  
  
"Ra..ra...rabbit?".  
  
He looked at the small cute creature as it it were a beast from the pit of Hell itself. All it took was for the rabbit to wiggle it's nose for Forge to lose the plot. He took off through the maize in a random direction, his screams echoing through the fields.  
  
"Ve really should follow him", said Kurt with a defeated sigh, "in case he falls into a gorge or something".  
  
The others shrugged, before taking off after Forge, suprising themselves by tumbling right into the exit, where the 'rescue group' were sitting around drinking lemonade.  
  
"We were looking for you, honest!", said Warren quickly, "we just...errrr...stopped to rest".  
  
"When we heard Forge scream, we thought the aliens had got you", piped up Jamie from where he was sitting talking to Lizzie.  
  
The others, realising their freedom acted in different ways. Some danced, some cheered, some cried, some kissed the ground, some hugged each other and some..ok Rogue and Wanda, just stood still, pretending they didn't care either one way or the other.  
  
"God bless Forge and his irrational fear of rabbits", said Tabby, patting Forge on the head where he sat in a curled up ball of pure terror.  
  
"Hey, where's Logan?", asked Hank, glancing around.  
  
****  
  
Logan had been slashing his way through the maize for quite some time now. Just when he thought he should turn back, something hard smacked him on the back of the head. He glanced up to see it was Remy, weilding his bo-staff like a sword.  
  
"Oh...", he said, "it's you. Have you come to get us out, Mon Ami?".  
  
Logan glanced behind Remy, where Piotr, Pyro, Jason and Sabertooth were sitting amongst the maize. Pyro looked very depressed, all of this good- burning maize and not a lighter in sight. Some of the maize looked as it it had been ravaged by Sabertooth and Jason looked very much like he had gone to his 'happy place'. Logan took a deep breath before taking a seat next to Piotr.  
  
"We'll just have ta sit here and wait fer the slasher alien butcher to get us".  
  
*****  
  
Ta daaaaaa. Now we know that keeping Todd Fan away from a computer is a BAD thing. Okay, Creepy Simon, i am sad to say, is based on a living person, he was the farmer that ran the Maize Maze, the 'Joe the Butcher' converstaion is also real, and made me realise my family are just as odd as i am. Elizabeth and Jeb are indeed true Guthries, yup. The Brotherhood kinda stand for another family we ran into in the maze, who had been there for hours shouting for help, they followed us, funny how in times of terror people just group together, isn't it? It scares me how much like my dad Logan is in this, right down to taking a shortcut THROUGH the maize. Though we saw no rabbits IN the maze, there were plenty in the campsite we were on, they gathered arround the toilets like something from an Alfred Hitchcock movie in the wee hours of the morning. Anyway, please, do review. Boy, did i miss this!. 


End file.
